EPIPHANY!

Okay . . . weirdly, this came to me at about three-thirty this morning. I just woke up, stared at the (dark) ceiling for a few seconds, and boom! Epiphany.

I realized what's holding me back from entering grad school.

I'm afraid.

Not afraid of classes, not afraid of hard work, not afraid of failing to get through the program . . . rather, I'm afraid of not being accepted at all. Being told that I'm not smart enough, accomplished enough, good enough.

I am aware that this is a monumentally stupid fear. I never said it made any sense. I'm just glad that I realized what it was.

Sigh. I miss the days of adolescent egocentrism, when it never even occurred to me that I might not be able to get into the school of my choice, or grab the job that was lucky enough to have me apply for the position, or catch the man that I wanted.

That's the problem with living life and getting older . . . enough little things happen to beat you down, and you start doubting your own strengths. Coupled with my increasingly bad memory and sneaking suspicion that I am losing IQ points on a weekly basis, I've created the makings of a full-fledged phobia.

I suddenly understand the phrase "paralyzed by indecision" a lot better.

So. Now that I've finally identified the problem, I need to overcome it.

How the hell am I going to manage that?

Meme!

Gakked from dolomir.

An interesting combination. And, if you know me really, really well, more accurate than I care to admit.

I prefer to think of myself as less selfish than Lawful Evil, though.

I Am A: Lawful Evil Human Ranger Thief


Alignment:
Lawful Evil characters believe that a nice, orderly system of life is perfect for them to abuse for their own advancement. They will work within 'the system' to get the best that they can for themselves.


Race:
Humans are the 'average' race. They have the shortest life spans, and because of this, they tend to avoid the racial prejudices that other races are known for. They are also very curious and tend to live 'for the moment'.


Primary Class:
Rangers are the defenders of nature and the elements. They are in tune with the Earth, and work to keep it safe and healthy.


Secondary Class:
Thieves are the most roguish of the classes. They are sneaky and nimble-fingered, and have skills with traps and locks. While not all use these skills for burglary, that is a common occupation of this class.


Deity:
Iyachtu Xvim is the Lawful Evil god of fear, hatred, malice, and tyranny. He is also known as the Godson and the Son of Bane. He appears as a gaunt, naked, scimitar-wielding man, or as a black cloud with glowing green eyes. His followers are working to strengthen his position in the world by converting (often by force) other deities' worshippers. They wear black robes with dark green trim, and wear black iron gauntlets with green eyes on the backs. Iyachtu Xvim's symbol is a black hand, inset with green eyes.


Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy ofNeppyMan (e-mail)

Weeeeeirrrrrrrrrrrrrd!

This is just plain strange. I was goofing off at CelebrityMatch and my best match was with Johnny Rzeznik of the Goo-Goo Dolls.

One hundred percent compatible, all across the board.

Now the weird part is that he was an important part in a dream I had last fall that Changed My Life.

Strange how these things work, isn't it?

ETA: And how scary is it that I am 99% intellectually compatible with Tom Welling, who comes across as a complete dumbass? I mean, what does that say about my gray matter? The 91% physical compatibility works for me, though.

Now, if only I could receive a sign from the Internet gods regarding what to do about my current hair dilemma!

Which, for those of you who possess inquiring minds, is this: My hairdresser has been gradually modifying my desired hairstyle until it matches his artistic vision for me. He has done this so sneakily that the last visit was the first one that I really noticed how different the cut had become. Previously, I'd been attributing my displeasure to other variables. My friend Kristin has been having the same problem. Our ire has reached the level at which we are trying to determine whether or not to follow through with our appointments, coming up this Saturday.

Keeping in mind that we deserted our previous salon because the stylists were pulling the same trick, and Danny knows this, I can't understand why he thinks he can get away with it.

Specifically, he thinks I should grow my hair long and have short, Xena-warrior-princess bangs. I want my hair super-short in back, with long layers on top that fall forward to form bangs. We argue about this at EVERY visit.

Kristin wants a soft ash blond color with very subtle highlights throughout. He's been after her since she started coming to go strawberry blond.

So, we say "no" and he just works around it in a series of small steps so that eventually, we're both stuck with what he wanted to do in the first place.

I hate my cut; she hates her color. What do we do?

Do we go back on Saturday and spell it out to him that this is the last visit unless he does what we want? If we do, I'm afraid that we're going to spend the rest of our visits there being ceaselessly vigilant, constantly on edge for the least deviation. I'm not sure that I want that much stress on top of everything else in my life.

Do we just cancel and find a new salon? Headaches abound in that respect, not the least of which is the simple question of the devil you know versus the devil you don't.

I'm totally on the fence about this. Last night at midnight, I was all about the bailing. This morning, I was willing to go back one last time. Now I'm vacillating again. I'm reduced to polling coworkers, neighbors, and LJ to make a decision.

So. What would you do? If it were you?