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Feb. 24th, 2004 11:34 amThe following, rather rambling, entry was precipitated by an email from an ex-boyfriend who is now married to the woman he left me for in the first place. Please forgive any incoherence on my part as I attempt to put my thoughts in order.
I keep in touch with most of my ex-boyfriends because I just don't hate any of them enough to swear off speaking to them ever again.
Of course, there are one or two that I refuse to admit ever having dated in the first place . . . but that's another story.
At any rate, I've occasionally had sex with a few of them over the years. These have never been any big, overwhelming affairs, just the infrequent hookup for the convenience of it all.
Lately, it seems they're crawling out of the woodwork and telling me how infatuated they are with me, how they think about me all the time, how beautiful I am, how much they want to make love to me.
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!?!?!
What . . . is the moon in the wrong phase or something?
When it was just one of the guys -- who, I might add, was notorious for wanting always what he could not have and having what he could not want -- I figured that chasing me was just another example in a long line of examples.
When we were together, he had to have three other girlfriends, because I wasn't enough, once he had me.
Now that he's married, he wants me more than ever.
Anyway, that was irritating enough.
Then another one pings me on Y!M the other night. And he starts the same spiel, pretty much chapter and verse.
Are you guys fucking talking to one another?
Which is unlikely to the point of impossibility, really. But still.
And then today, an email from out of the blue from a third guy. I haven't heard from him in two years, other than desultory electronic Christmas cards exchanged.
What the devil is going on?
I figured out some time ago that married men tend to come on to me because it doesn't occur to me to control my flirting with them. I think of married men as safe. I don't have to monitor my every word and gesture to be certain that I discourage them, because they're married and they wouldn't interpret harmless flirtation as an actual invitation, right?
Well, I've since discovered that I was way off base in that assumption, so for the last couple of years, I've been very careful in my behavior, by word and deed giving no hint of encouragement.
And yet . . . still.
I never thought I would so deeply resent being told that I was gorgeous and irresistible. Really.
Okay, I understand that, for many men, once they're married, they may develop fantasies that center around someone from their pasts, someone they may feel "got away".
It feels a little weird to think that I might be that person, but I'm willing to accept that.
And obviously, it's easy to concoct these elaborate fantasy scenarios, even to discuss them with the object of said fantasies, and possibly still have no intention whatsoever of following through with them.
But the constant repetition of their desires is wearing ever thinner.
It's making my skin itch.
I like keeping in touch with these men, generally speaking. Normally, we have pleasant conversations and I consider them to be friends. So that makes it difficult to just shut them down cold, but I am becoming increasingly uncomfortable with these attentions.
Is it just a strange astrological phase? Or is my karma irretrievably poisoned? Am I doomed to leave behind me a trail of broken hearts?
Yeah, right. Thinking of myself as a heartbreaker makes me snicker.
Maybe these guys just all smoked the same bad batch of monkey crack.
I have tried changing the subject drastically or refusing to respond to their remarks. I have even attempted to confront the topic head-on, with no success.
At this point, the only thing that shuts them up is when I act as if I am reciprocating their attentions and suggest plans to get together. That's gotten rid of each of them for times varying from a few days to a few weeks.
I don't know what else to do. Maybe I've been wrong, all this time. I've always prided myself on my ability to stay friends with my exes, but maybe I can't actually be friends with them. Maybe I've been fooling myself.
What do you all think?
I keep in touch with most of my ex-boyfriends because I just don't hate any of them enough to swear off speaking to them ever again.
Of course, there are one or two that I refuse to admit ever having dated in the first place . . . but that's another story.
At any rate, I've occasionally had sex with a few of them over the years. These have never been any big, overwhelming affairs, just the infrequent hookup for the convenience of it all.
Lately, it seems they're crawling out of the woodwork and telling me how infatuated they are with me, how they think about me all the time, how beautiful I am, how much they want to make love to me.
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!?!?!
What . . . is the moon in the wrong phase or something?
When it was just one of the guys -- who, I might add, was notorious for wanting always what he could not have and having what he could not want -- I figured that chasing me was just another example in a long line of examples.
When we were together, he had to have three other girlfriends, because I wasn't enough, once he had me.
Now that he's married, he wants me more than ever.
Anyway, that was irritating enough.
Then another one pings me on Y!M the other night. And he starts the same spiel, pretty much chapter and verse.
Are you guys fucking talking to one another?
Which is unlikely to the point of impossibility, really. But still.
And then today, an email from out of the blue from a third guy. I haven't heard from him in two years, other than desultory electronic Christmas cards exchanged.
What the devil is going on?
I figured out some time ago that married men tend to come on to me because it doesn't occur to me to control my flirting with them. I think of married men as safe. I don't have to monitor my every word and gesture to be certain that I discourage them, because they're married and they wouldn't interpret harmless flirtation as an actual invitation, right?
Well, I've since discovered that I was way off base in that assumption, so for the last couple of years, I've been very careful in my behavior, by word and deed giving no hint of encouragement.
And yet . . . still.
I never thought I would so deeply resent being told that I was gorgeous and irresistible. Really.
Okay, I understand that, for many men, once they're married, they may develop fantasies that center around someone from their pasts, someone they may feel "got away".
It feels a little weird to think that I might be that person, but I'm willing to accept that.
And obviously, it's easy to concoct these elaborate fantasy scenarios, even to discuss them with the object of said fantasies, and possibly still have no intention whatsoever of following through with them.
But the constant repetition of their desires is wearing ever thinner.
It's making my skin itch.
I like keeping in touch with these men, generally speaking. Normally, we have pleasant conversations and I consider them to be friends. So that makes it difficult to just shut them down cold, but I am becoming increasingly uncomfortable with these attentions.
Is it just a strange astrological phase? Or is my karma irretrievably poisoned? Am I doomed to leave behind me a trail of broken hearts?
Yeah, right. Thinking of myself as a heartbreaker makes me snicker.
Maybe these guys just all smoked the same bad batch of monkey crack.
I have tried changing the subject drastically or refusing to respond to their remarks. I have even attempted to confront the topic head-on, with no success.
At this point, the only thing that shuts them up is when I act as if I am reciprocating their attentions and suggest plans to get together. That's gotten rid of each of them for times varying from a few days to a few weeks.
I don't know what else to do. Maybe I've been wrong, all this time. I've always prided myself on my ability to stay friends with my exes, but maybe I can't actually be friends with them. Maybe I've been fooling myself.
What do you all think?
